Majetag, 12th day of Darkember, 432 AC
Eighth Watch falling 16
by Carteeg Struve, Staff Writer
Ansalon - In their newest attempt to destroy the world, all bad guys on Krynn have devised a new way to cause havoc on the populous. Specifically, they've given up.
"We're done," said Hiddukel in a telescribed news conference. "Too many times we've had these completely ingenious plans, and then some players come by with a DM who's secretly fudging the rolls to prevent a party wipe-out and ruin everything. Plots implemented in novels are even worse. At least in the role-plays we have the opportunity to at least get a vindictive Dungeon Master. But Wizards of the Coast seems Abyss-bent in letting the good guys get the last word every single time. The only case where a bad guy wins is if there is a sequel in the planning, and you know how long our luck holds out there!"
The other dark gods in attendance gave their support for the plan, although Morgion was absent with the flu. A number of mortal villains signed a petition backing the 'No Evil for Defeat' plan. Nuitari explained the idea in greater detail. "In all honesty, this is actually yet another plot by us all to be a bunch of jerks, as our character descriptions maintain. You see, we all figured that if we stopped being evil, then the balance would either collapse or the good guys would have to shut up and quit as well. Either way, we win. Good proved itself to be more evil than us 400 years ago, so if they win, we win. And if the good gods quit, well the good aligned mortals would similarly ruin things yet again."
Reactions were mixed. "Good riddance," said Linsha Majere. "Evil has been nothing but a plague on this world."
"Besides," added Lord Bight, "she doesn't need another boyfriend." At which point the Lord was then assaulted by his wife.
"Awful," said Sheriff Mondar of Solace. "I had another novel coming up. The sheriff job doesn't pay enough. How will I get royalties without conflict?"
What will the evil characters do now? Nuitari responded, "I will be opening a dating service. Women seem to be physically interested in a number of my black robes no matter how ugly they are. It seemed the next logical step."
"Cattle rancher," said Sargonnas.
"Fashion model, actress, and singer," injected Zeboim.
"Customer service representative for Microsoft," said Hiddukel.
Nuitari concluded the conference saying, "We are tired at only being able to mess things up for a while, be defeated by some annoying sacrifice or whatnot, and then have to carry on in a harmed world when we still have nothing to show for it. We want to win for once!"
Gilean also had words to say. "Don't worry. WotC will make sure this plan fails before the story ends. In time they will turn on themselves and begin dragging Krynn into the mire with their scheming and murdering. Then things will be better again."