Majetag, 12th day of Darkember, 432 AC
Eighth Watch falling 15
Aesthetics Declare Fourth And Fifth Ages Non-Canon
by Carteeg Struve, Staff Writer
Palanthas – In a stunning turn of events, the Aesthetics from the Library of Palanthas have thrown out 425 years of history. "Too much of it was inconsistent and confusing," said Brother Inlaw. "After trying for so long to sort it all out, we gave up and decided to just ignore it."
According to the Order, most events since the first Cataclysm were depressing, ill timed, and to put simply, plain silly. "Too much of it seemed like it was the same story repeating itself. War. Death. Fractured peace. War. Death. Fractured peace. It kept looping over and over. Plus a Second Cataclysm? Couldn't factual events have come up with something that hadn't been done before? A little more originality is all we ask for," said Inlaw.
When asked why the first Cataclysm was chosen to be the last canonical event, Brother Ansistar said, "So much changed in the world or was lost after that. We figured we could wrap any of Ansalon's alterations together into a nice neat bundle and say it happened because of the Cataclysm. Broken re-climatized regions? Because of the Cataclysm. Bunch of people died? Cataclysm. Dead gods, dead dragons, cities taken over and nations falling or rebuilding? Blah blah blah blah blah? Cataclysm. Cataclysm. Cataclysm. It's all much simpler."
All city officials have officially and publicly objected to this strange action. However since their ascensions to their respective seats have now been deemed to be non-canon, they are no longer important enough for anybody to listen to.
So what has happened over the last 425 years? Brother Inlaw answered. "The gods left on holiday. We decided to keep that. Again it helped explain a lot. But we decided to add this lovely bit about a swashbuckling dark-skinned elf from underground who can kill a thousand orcs within a single chapter of the new history books. We figure the kids will love him."
"Orcs were a great retcon," Ansistar said. "We also added this overly powerful and arrogant mage in red who was favored by some god we made up. But he became way too annoying."
"Yeah, nobody liked him," said Inlaw. "So we had him killed off by a rogue chimpanzee during the first few years of the Age of Puppies."
"That's what we're calling the new Fourth Age which we are now living in," said Ansistar. "'The Age of Puppies.' See how much nicer that sounds? Everybody likes puppies. Unless you're allergic, but we figure those people can just stay home."
How are things turning out so far? "Everything is great. Governments and individuals are paying buckets of cash to make sure that we put them in more powerful posi-, uh... I mean... represent them accurately. Oh! Another major change is that we're giving the Herald an additional 180 years of existence and mandatory government funding," said Inlaw.
As of this morning, the Herald has officially endorsed the new history.
Happy Raindrum Fools Everyone.